Way Too Fabulous

Dear Gay Bigfoot,
I am a really awesome, talented, gifted, attractive, and totally humble Leo now living in Texas. Unfortunately I get a little too much attention for being amazing. I mean, I'm used to it by now, but the smallish city I live in makes me seem even MORE fabulous then I seemed in my fabulous home town of New Orleans.


So my question is, from one incredibly fabulous creature to another, how do i get less attention?


Also are you any relation to a yeti?


Signed,
Way Too Fabulous


Dear Fab,
Honey...you need to work it MORE! Being a big fish in a small pond isn't such a bad thing, sweetie. Being so consistently fabulous can be a cross to bear, but when you are feeling worn out and drained of your energy, you have to stop and as yourself this question I saw once on a t-shirt:


 "What Would Jesus Do?"


He would WORK IT! And when he was alive, he must have been working it because all I see when I look at a crucifix is a six pack ab! But I digress.Go out there in your little small town and give them the best gift you can give....YOU! 


I wish I could tell you a way to be less fabulous, but if you got it, then you have it for life. No sense fighting your destiny, you FABULOUS CREATURE! 


And to answer your question about being related to the Yeti. I can't say if I am related to them or not, but I sure have had RELATIONS with many of them! Oh, I better stop. I'm so bad!


Stay fierce! 

Beauty over Brains

Dear Gay Bigfoot,

I really think people just see me for my beauty and not my brains. What advise do you have for me?
Signed,

Beauty over Brains

Dear Beauty over Brains,

Well since you didn't send me a picture of yourself I can't say if you are a hottie or a nottie, but since you wrote 'advise' instead of 'advice' then I think that the only thing you might have going on is your looks! Oh, I'm so bad! Tee hee hee!

Honestly, if people only like you because of how you look....well, work it, girl! There's no harm or shame in being hot and fabulous! Also, it can be a secret weapon to let people underestimate your intelligence...use that to your advantage!

Oh, and don't forget to use spell check!

Good luck,

GB

Guy Can't Cum

Dear Gay Bigfoot,

This is a first for me. I've never been with a guy who doesn't cum. The man I'm with can stay hard for a very long time, but he just doesn't cum. Why? At first I thought it was my fault. But he says he has always been like this. He says no other woman has complained...but give me a break. Should he be concerned? Am I wrong in thinking he is missing out? Also, he really isn't into porn. Is this normal for a guy? Need your input quick.

-Guy Can't Cum

Dear Guy Can't Cum,

this is a strange one...even for me! Who doesn't love to cum? Seriously! Who knows, maybe he's really a gay man but doesn't quite know it yet. You should try showing him some man on man action porn and see if he likes it. If he does, well...then there's your answer! Or you could try getting him a powerful massager. I know a lot of people get off on having their naughty bits vibrated, so you always try that. If none of this works, then I wouldn't worry about it anymore. As long as you are getting off, then that's all that matters! If all else fails, try sticking your finger up his ass. Who knows, it's worth a shot!

A Royal Pain in the Ass

Dear Gay Bigfoot,
I woke up this morning with a horrible hangover from a black-out drunk and couldn't find any aspirin in the house. What's worse is my asshole was itchy and burning and I had bits of carpet in my teeth. Do you think I got buggered? I mean, I'm straight as an arrow, but I'm afraid I may have had gay sex. Am I going to get AIDS and die?

Yours Truly, A Royal Pain in the Ass

Dear A Royal Pain in the Ass,
Sounds like a regular morning for me! It could be that you are an epileptic with a really bad case of hemorrhoids, or maybe your not wiping well enough. However, did any of farts smell like cum that day? If so, then you probably did get butt fucked. But, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to the best of us (if we can be so lucky!) I wouldn't worry about getting AIDS, but you might wind up with some anal warts. My gut instinct tells me that you had a seizure and a hemorrhoid popped out of your poop hole. Go get some Preparation H, lather your finger up with a big glop and shove it up your butt. If you get a boner, then you might actually like gay sex....which, would mean you did have ass sex and got 'roids as a result. Either way, good luck!

Down But Not Out

Bigfoot,
I used to be a big fuck up. Drugs, booze, etc. In 2001 I accrued a felony for family violence. It was a misdemeanor(class A), but was enhanced because of 2 other misdemeanors over the span of 12 years. I have always had family problems and no longer speak with family. I haven't seen my son Will, since he was 3 months old. I grabbed his mother, trying to get away from the house because she was an alcoholic who was drinking throughout the pregnancy. I was trying to control a situation that I had no control over. I know this now. I can only control me. The mother is now in a prison rehab and the child lives with the grand parents. I am not allowed to be with my son, as a condition of my probation.
This year I was working for an underwater recovery company and the barge blew up. I almost died and almost lost both of my legs and an arm. Both of my legs were skin grafted and IO had to learn to walk again. I am fine now, but got behind on child support. I got served with court papers yesterday and am looking at 6 months in jail, which will revoke my probation and send me to prison. I just need someone neutral to give me some advice. What can I do?? Do you have ANY insight!!!!???

---Bosse

I am a good person and don't understand.... I am trying to do all of the right things and it seems like I just keep getting knocked down in the dirt... I am very scared that I am going to lose the LAST few years of my youth and I don't know if I am strong enough to handle it. 


Dear Bosse,
I can honestly say that your question is probably one of the most intense and heavy ones I had to answer. I've re-read your question many times, and even though I may not have the perfect solution to your problems I hope I can at least offer you some moral support. 
First and foremost, you obviously realize there have been some errors and misjudgements in the decisions you've made in the past......and now you are wanting to take some control of your life, which is a good thing!
Life isn't always what it's cracked up to be, but even in the shittiest of times you can find something that will make you stronger. In this case, it would be your child. 
If you do wind up going to jail, you always have your child to keep you strong and focused. I don't know what kind of legal representation you have, but hopefully they can do something for you. I wish that I had the perfect answer for your problem but unfortunatly I do not. If I were to offer you any advice it would be this.............stay strong, and roll with the punches. Remember, what you are experiencing right now is a direct result of bad decisions and bad behavior from your past. Your past does not define who you are TODAY. Simply put, stay strong and live for your child. They will need you in their life growing up, so do whatever it is you have to in order to make that a reality.....even if that means serving time. I wish you all the best, and please keep in touch to let me know how things are going with you! Stay strong!

HAPPY SEXY 4TH OF JULY

Here's a stiff salute to all the hot men out there! Stay safe and have a hot, sweaty 4th of July!

Shout At The Devil

Dear Gay Bigfoot, How do I get respect and a raise on the job?

Reba

Reba,

Start surrounding yourself with satanic images, like pentagram t-shirts and pictures of Anton Lavey on your workdesk. You don't even have to believe in the devil to do this! Trust me, you will scare your co workers and boss into submission and get everything you want! It works!



Love, Gay Bigfoot