Way Too Fabulous

Dear Gay Bigfoot,
I am a really awesome, talented, gifted, attractive, and totally humble Leo now living in Texas. Unfortunately I get a little too much attention for being amazing. I mean, I'm used to it by now, but the smallish city I live in makes me seem even MORE fabulous then I seemed in my fabulous home town of New Orleans.


So my question is, from one incredibly fabulous creature to another, how do i get less attention?


Also are you any relation to a yeti?


Signed,
Way Too Fabulous


Dear Fab,
Honey...you need to work it MORE! Being a big fish in a small pond isn't such a bad thing, sweetie. Being so consistently fabulous can be a cross to bear, but when you are feeling worn out and drained of your energy, you have to stop and as yourself this question I saw once on a t-shirt:


 "What Would Jesus Do?"


He would WORK IT! And when he was alive, he must have been working it because all I see when I look at a crucifix is a six pack ab! But I digress.Go out there in your little small town and give them the best gift you can give....YOU! 


I wish I could tell you a way to be less fabulous, but if you got it, then you have it for life. No sense fighting your destiny, you FABULOUS CREATURE! 


And to answer your question about being related to the Yeti. I can't say if I am related to them or not, but I sure have had RELATIONS with many of them! Oh, I better stop. I'm so bad!


Stay fierce! 

Beauty over Brains

Dear Gay Bigfoot,

I really think people just see me for my beauty and not my brains. What advise do you have for me?
Signed,

Beauty over Brains

Dear Beauty over Brains,

Well since you didn't send me a picture of yourself I can't say if you are a hottie or a nottie, but since you wrote 'advise' instead of 'advice' then I think that the only thing you might have going on is your looks! Oh, I'm so bad! Tee hee hee!

Honestly, if people only like you because of how you look....well, work it, girl! There's no harm or shame in being hot and fabulous! Also, it can be a secret weapon to let people underestimate your intelligence...use that to your advantage!

Oh, and don't forget to use spell check!

Good luck,

GB

Guy Can't Cum

Dear Gay Bigfoot,

This is a first for me. I've never been with a guy who doesn't cum. The man I'm with can stay hard for a very long time, but he just doesn't cum. Why? At first I thought it was my fault. But he says he has always been like this. He says no other woman has complained...but give me a break. Should he be concerned? Am I wrong in thinking he is missing out? Also, he really isn't into porn. Is this normal for a guy? Need your input quick.

-Guy Can't Cum

Dear Guy Can't Cum,

this is a strange one...even for me! Who doesn't love to cum? Seriously! Who knows, maybe he's really a gay man but doesn't quite know it yet. You should try showing him some man on man action porn and see if he likes it. If he does, well...then there's your answer! Or you could try getting him a powerful massager. I know a lot of people get off on having their naughty bits vibrated, so you always try that. If none of this works, then I wouldn't worry about it anymore. As long as you are getting off, then that's all that matters! If all else fails, try sticking your finger up his ass. Who knows, it's worth a shot!

A Royal Pain in the Ass

Dear Gay Bigfoot,
I woke up this morning with a horrible hangover from a black-out drunk and couldn't find any aspirin in the house. What's worse is my asshole was itchy and burning and I had bits of carpet in my teeth. Do you think I got buggered? I mean, I'm straight as an arrow, but I'm afraid I may have had gay sex. Am I going to get AIDS and die?

Yours Truly, A Royal Pain in the Ass

Dear A Royal Pain in the Ass,
Sounds like a regular morning for me! It could be that you are an epileptic with a really bad case of hemorrhoids, or maybe your not wiping well enough. However, did any of farts smell like cum that day? If so, then you probably did get butt fucked. But, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to the best of us (if we can be so lucky!) I wouldn't worry about getting AIDS, but you might wind up with some anal warts. My gut instinct tells me that you had a seizure and a hemorrhoid popped out of your poop hole. Go get some Preparation H, lather your finger up with a big glop and shove it up your butt. If you get a boner, then you might actually like gay sex....which, would mean you did have ass sex and got 'roids as a result. Either way, good luck!

Down But Not Out

Bigfoot,
I used to be a big fuck up. Drugs, booze, etc. In 2001 I accrued a felony for family violence. It was a misdemeanor(class A), but was enhanced because of 2 other misdemeanors over the span of 12 years. I have always had family problems and no longer speak with family. I haven't seen my son Will, since he was 3 months old. I grabbed his mother, trying to get away from the house because she was an alcoholic who was drinking throughout the pregnancy. I was trying to control a situation that I had no control over. I know this now. I can only control me. The mother is now in a prison rehab and the child lives with the grand parents. I am not allowed to be with my son, as a condition of my probation.
This year I was working for an underwater recovery company and the barge blew up. I almost died and almost lost both of my legs and an arm. Both of my legs were skin grafted and IO had to learn to walk again. I am fine now, but got behind on child support. I got served with court papers yesterday and am looking at 6 months in jail, which will revoke my probation and send me to prison. I just need someone neutral to give me some advice. What can I do?? Do you have ANY insight!!!!???

---Bosse

I am a good person and don't understand.... I am trying to do all of the right things and it seems like I just keep getting knocked down in the dirt... I am very scared that I am going to lose the LAST few years of my youth and I don't know if I am strong enough to handle it. 


Dear Bosse,
I can honestly say that your question is probably one of the most intense and heavy ones I had to answer. I've re-read your question many times, and even though I may not have the perfect solution to your problems I hope I can at least offer you some moral support. 
First and foremost, you obviously realize there have been some errors and misjudgements in the decisions you've made in the past......and now you are wanting to take some control of your life, which is a good thing!
Life isn't always what it's cracked up to be, but even in the shittiest of times you can find something that will make you stronger. In this case, it would be your child. 
If you do wind up going to jail, you always have your child to keep you strong and focused. I don't know what kind of legal representation you have, but hopefully they can do something for you. I wish that I had the perfect answer for your problem but unfortunatly I do not. If I were to offer you any advice it would be this.............stay strong, and roll with the punches. Remember, what you are experiencing right now is a direct result of bad decisions and bad behavior from your past. Your past does not define who you are TODAY. Simply put, stay strong and live for your child. They will need you in their life growing up, so do whatever it is you have to in order to make that a reality.....even if that means serving time. I wish you all the best, and please keep in touch to let me know how things are going with you! Stay strong!

HAPPY SEXY 4TH OF JULY

Here's a stiff salute to all the hot men out there! Stay safe and have a hot, sweaty 4th of July!

Shout At The Devil

Dear Gay Bigfoot, How do I get respect and a raise on the job?

Reba

Reba,

Start surrounding yourself with satanic images, like pentagram t-shirts and pictures of Anton Lavey on your workdesk. You don't even have to believe in the devil to do this! Trust me, you will scare your co workers and boss into submission and get everything you want! It works!



Love, Gay Bigfoot

Should Have Pulled Out

heyyy,

ummm my Gf is pregnant and were both 15 wat do i do and worst of all i just moved to atlanta why shes in jacksonville and i cant see her everyday like i want to and i wanna be there for my baby wat do i do......

Dear Should Have Pulled Out, well, first off what are you doing squirting your load without a condom on? What happen to a good, old fashioned blow job? I guess there's no sense in debating the would of, could of, should of's.....Honestly, I don't know the answer to your question. You recently moved to a different state, your underage, and still in school (god can only hope!).....You really don't have many options, other than becoming a parent at 15....then again, what about abortion? Seriously, what kind of life would this kid have if it's born? Your 15! Not exactly old enough to handle the chore of raising and providing for a baby. I wish I had some solid advice to offer, but in this particular case I'm blanking on answers. Maybe some of the readers of this blog have suggestions for you, because I sure don't.

Good luck, and next time PULL OUT!

5 Finger Discount

Gay Bigfoot,

So...when i go to the liqour store and all the bottles of mudslies are in the back of the fridge. What's the best way to pocket them without being noticed?

Dear 5 Finger Discount,

although I don't advocate stealing...this might do the trick! Get a friend to go with you to the heist, and when the time is right have them fake a seizure (like they did in the movie Drugstore Cowboy), and while the attendant is distracted start grabbing the booze.

A more honest way to earn your liquor is to offer the person on duty some sex action with your fuck box. That way, you can leave the store with your drinks knowing that you gave something back in return. Trust me, you'll feel better about yourself in the long run!

Dry Mitts

Dear Gayest Bigfoot

I seem to be in a bit of a predicament as of late. It seems as though I have brutally murdered my elderly next-door neighbors and their prize winning dog Excelsior. First of let me fill you in on what went down. It all started when I was walking my dogs pass their house every morning. I didn't notice anything strange for a few weeks, it was just hellos, good mornings and glorious day it now isn't it. A very lovely couple I might ad. That is until I noticed they started to whisper things about my dogs as I walked by. Stuff like " look at those poor, poor little shelter dogs, I would never let our excelsior near them and they really should have put those dogs down when they had the chance" I was like what the fuck! Excelsior’s no better than mine just because he’s some little award winning Bison Frice! Put my dogs down!!!??? I bet you can hear my blood boiling. At first I just thought my medication wasn't working but then I though I should just go ahead and kill them.

And kill them I did...

I busted down that fucking screen door round supper time with knives a blazin'! That old bitch Mildred nearly choked on her steamed cauliflower! Ha, Ha, Ha I wailed you should chew before you swallow BITCH! Ol' Henry got so scared he took a huge shit in his Bermuda shorts right at the dinner table! Got enough fiber in your diet Henry! I screamed. Then it got really sick. That fucking little mutt Excelsior started licking it off his leg!!! Some show dog. I wish the judges could have seen that. Enough was enough these three had pissed me off long enough. I then went over to poo, poo pants Henry and gutted him like a 500lb hog. That sure did help the shitting but the blood started really going at that point. Blood and shit what a fuckin' mess! Ol Mildred got the cauliflower treatment. Luckily she had a few more heads of that shit that I boiled up and I made her eat every last one. Chew it Mildred chew it. I originally planned on giving her the old slice and dice but she was ended up dying from the excessive flatulence. I didn't know that it was possible but ya learn something new everyday. Now with them outta the way it was time for himself, the prize winning Bison Frise...Excelsior. The whole time I was doing my thing with his owners he was just looking at me like I was crazy or something...I’m crazy no your crazy I shouted. After the shouting match ended I decided to give him his final meal...his owners! It took a few days for him to eat them all. He seemed to have alot of trouble with that chewy old skin but on the other hand he really seemed to love the bones. The funny part was that little prick was so well trained he didn't shit in the house once the whole time. No longer a prize winning dog he was a prize winning watermelon! So his fate was now decided. I loaded him up in Mildred and Henrys old Ford LTD, drove downtown, accessed the roof access of the city’s tallest building and let her (him) rip. SPLAT!!! Mildred, Ol' Henry and that little ankle biter Excelsior were now the latest modern art installment on the sidewalks of 5th St.

Sorry about the long read but having all that blood, shit and cauliflower caked on me for nearly 4 days my hands seem really cracked and dry. What kind of lotion would you recommend to get the moisture back into them?

Dry Mitts in the AZ

Dear Dry Mitts,

Nothing sucks worse than a lover who has dry, scaly hands! Now, this may seem like an unconventional suggestion, but hear me out. I discovered this wonderful product called BOY BUTTER.

Normally it's used to grease up your lovers crapper for easy access, but it works wonders on dry skin! I noticed that the first time I used it on this one guy’s pucker hole that it made my hands silky soft (and it felt great on my cock too!).....Seriously, you MUST try this! You'll be back to killing in no time! Happy Slicing!

Cowardly Lioness

I really like this guy a lot. I don't know if he likes me, and I'm too shy to just come out and ask him or make any strong hints...

What should I do?

Signed, Cowardly Lioness

Dear Cowardly Lioness,

Ah, someone's got a secret crush and their loins are about to gush! I know what it's like to burn with desire for someone, and lonely nights spent alone can be sheer torture when you aren't with the one you want. So this is what you do, ready? You go for it. Why, do you ask? Well, it's easy. It's best to know where you stand with this person. Sure, you may be wary for fear of being rejected, but there is always the chance that your crush secretly has a crush on you too! I know I've seen that in a movie somewhere, I think it was Patrick Dempsy who played this kid who sent a letter to his crush only to have it wind up in someone else's hands, then the letter get's past around and the movie turns into one misunderstanding after another. But I digress.

To sum it up, you only live once. What's the worst that can happen? You get your feelings hurt? As the saying goes, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

Good luck, sugar booger!

Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full

DEAR GAY BIGFOOT, I LOVE YOU........

I WAS THINKING HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF SELLING YOUR FUR ONLINE..I MEN DON'T SHAVE YOURSELF!!!!!! I MEAN I LOVE A HAIRY MAN BIG FOOTED OR NOT NOTHING LIKE A TOTAL BEAR..............MMMMMMMMMMMMMM WELL ANYWAY BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING.YOU KNOW THAT UNSIGHTLY HAIR THAT BUILDS UP IN THE DRAIN OR THE HAIR YOU SHED WHEN YOU BRUSH I MEAN JUST THINK OF ALL THE MONEY YOU COULD MAKE......WELL MY QUESTION IS THIS: IS IT WRONG FOR YOU TO TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL WHEN YOUR HAVING SEX....I MEAN WHEN YOUR GOING DOWN ON A HARD COCK THAT'S DRIPPING WITH PRE CUM HOW DO YOU LET YOUR LOVER KNOW THAT YOU NEED SOME LOVIN TOO....IS IT RUDE TO PULL OFF AND SAY NOW ME OR WHAT? WHAT IS THE PROPER THING TO DO? ALSO WHEN ONE IS EATING ASS SHOULD YOU LAP IT UP OR TAKE TENDER LITTLE FLICKS AT IT WHAT DO YOU ENJOY? AND FISTING, WHAT'S WITH THAT? I MEAN IF YOUR GOING SHOVE SOMETHING UP THERE MAKE A TONGUE OR A HARD COCK......I MEAN REALLY USE THAT FIST ON MY COCK WHILE YOUR MAKING LOVE TO MY ROUND HAIRY BUM...ALSO DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? SHOULD I GET A NIPPLE RING OR A PRINCE ALBERT... WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON THIS (AS A GAY BIGFOOT  YOU HAVE BEEN AROUND)?....OH, I THINK I SAW YOU ON SUNSET BLVD. ONE NIGHT BUT IT TURNED OUT IT WAS SOME OVER SIZED CAT RUNNING AWAY (I WAS SO SAD)......

Dear 'anonymous',

It seems that you have some issues with what is considered proper etiquette when dealing with fucking and sucking. On one hand it's very thoughtful and sweet of you to have questions about what to do and what not to do when gobbling boners, but on the other hand it would make for some disastrous love making if you were to be asking all these questions with a dick in your mouth (or asshole)....So, my advice to you is do what feels natural and right at the time. If you want your balls yanked on violently, for example, you shouldn't keep it to yourself in fear of offending your lover. Instead, you should speak out and shout "Squeeze my shiny nuts, NOW".....you get my drift.

The bottom line is this: Don't Hold Back You Lust.

Good luck, and happy cum swapping! (or insert whatever fetish that you desire). 

Man On Man Action

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Stuck In A Rut

dearest gay big gayfoot:

ok, so i have this gf and like she treats me like shit... she say's i'm immature, that always lie, always finds a way to bring me down and always tells me that i should grow up... but i hardly speak a word so i wont give her a reason to be mad...shes always mad...she has 3 kids and a fucked up life, i just try to help her as much as i can because i love her and i care yet i still can't figure out why she does this to me... she makes me feel hopeless at times like my days have no meaning yet when i'm not around her i feel even worse it's like i miss her even when she's mad...my friends tell me i'm wasting my time that there is no solution to the problem, that i should just let it go... but how can i? i've been in love but never like this.. i love her with madness and she just walks all over the fact... what should i do??? please help me... love on ya , L

Dear Stuck in a Rut, 
Seems like it's time for you listen to your friends. GAY BIGFOOT is your friend, and you need to move on. You know what you need? You need your own song to put you in battle mode. May I suggest Pat Benatar's You Better Run? Here's the lyrics, see if this doesn't sound familiar to you:

Whatcha' tryin' a do to my heart?

Whatcha' tryin' a do to my heart?

You go around tellin' lies

And now you want to compromise

Whatcha' tryin' a do to my heart?

You better run!

You better hide!

You better leave from my sight!

Yeah

Whatcha' tryin' a do to my soul?

Whatcha' tryin' a do to my soul?

Well everything i had was yours

And now i'm closin' all the doors

Whatcha' tryin' a do to my soul?

You better run!

You better hide!

You better leave from my sight!

Yeah

I love you oh, i love you so

Can't you see it?

Don't you know?

You know what my 'battle mode' song is? Move Out by Yaz. Once it gets to the chorus I'm all like snapping my head back and forth, putting on my best 'Oh no you di'in't' face. Then I'm ready to face any lover that's causing me grief.....and then I MOVE OUT. I know you think that your love and dedication will prove to your lover that your intentions are pure and true, and that you love them dearly and are willing to put up with their bullshit. I think that's a wonderful quality. But honey you are wasting your time with this one. Just because you have a history doesn't mean you have to keep repeating it. Go give your love to someone that deserves it. Sigh, now I'm all worked up and I'm thinking about ice cream at 11pm..........I'm so bad! But you know what? It feels divine!

Good luck with your break up!

Snack Cake Stalker

Dear Gay Bigfoot,

First time talker, long time stalker....and therein lies my segue. I have been stalking for years, but my experience has been limited to Caucasian women. However I recently set my sights...err, the view finder of my binoculars, on an Asian women. My best friend is an Asian women, but she has not been very forthcoming, except mentioning something about soy sauce and my penis.

It stings.

I'm aching to taste this woman Bigfoot. I wanna fill her snack cake with my sweet frosting like she's a human twinkie. I'm dying to unwrap her smile. I dream about stuffing my face with her marshmallow pie. I wake up wanting to feed her my ding-dong. Oh, my zinger in her swiss roll! Will her ring-ding make me yodel?

Any advice Big? Aren't you from the Himalayas?

Sincerely, Little Denny

Dear Snack Cake Stalker,

your note was so romantic! I wish someone would unwrap my package and take a lick of my Cinnabun (TM)! I got a toothache reading your question! But, it sounds like you might have a chance with her since she mentioned soy sauce and penis in one sentence.

She may have one of those Asian fetishes, you know the type.....poop fountains, ocotopus suck off's, pee douches....but in this case, it sounds like she wants to put your dick in a spring roll and slather your balls with some wasabi while massaging your prostate with a pair of chopsticks! Oooh, I just made myself hungry and horny at the same time! Tee hee hee!

I say you wrap your dick in some seaweed and put on a web cam show for her. That's always a good ice breaker!

I hope you get a taste of candy soon! Good luck, sweetie!