Snack Cake Stalker

Dear Gay Bigfoot,

First time talker, long time stalker....and therein lies my segue. I have been stalking for years, but my experience has been limited to Caucasian women. However I recently set my sights...err, the view finder of my binoculars, on an Asian women. My best friend is an Asian women, but she has not been very forthcoming, except mentioning something about soy sauce and my penis.

It stings.

I'm aching to taste this woman Bigfoot. I wanna fill her snack cake with my sweet frosting like she's a human twinkie. I'm dying to unwrap her smile. I dream about stuffing my face with her marshmallow pie. I wake up wanting to feed her my ding-dong. Oh, my zinger in her swiss roll! Will her ring-ding make me yodel?

Any advice Big? Aren't you from the Himalayas?

Sincerely, Little Denny

Dear Snack Cake Stalker,

your note was so romantic! I wish someone would unwrap my package and take a lick of my Cinnabun (TM)! I got a toothache reading your question! But, it sounds like you might have a chance with her since she mentioned soy sauce and penis in one sentence.

She may have one of those Asian fetishes, you know the type.....poop fountains, ocotopus suck off's, pee douches....but in this case, it sounds like she wants to put your dick in a spring roll and slather your balls with some wasabi while massaging your prostate with a pair of chopsticks! Oooh, I just made myself hungry and horny at the same time! Tee hee hee!

I say you wrap your dick in some seaweed and put on a web cam show for her. That's always a good ice breaker!

I hope you get a taste of candy soon! Good luck, sweetie!