Dry Mitts

Dear Gayest Bigfoot

I seem to be in a bit of a predicament as of late. It seems as though I have brutally murdered my elderly next-door neighbors and their prize winning dog Excelsior. First of let me fill you in on what went down. It all started when I was walking my dogs pass their house every morning. I didn't notice anything strange for a few weeks, it was just hellos, good mornings and glorious day it now isn't it. A very lovely couple I might ad. That is until I noticed they started to whisper things about my dogs as I walked by. Stuff like " look at those poor, poor little shelter dogs, I would never let our excelsior near them and they really should have put those dogs down when they had the chance" I was like what the fuck! Excelsior’s no better than mine just because he’s some little award winning Bison Frice! Put my dogs down!!!??? I bet you can hear my blood boiling. At first I just thought my medication wasn't working but then I though I should just go ahead and kill them.

And kill them I did...

I busted down that fucking screen door round supper time with knives a blazin'! That old bitch Mildred nearly choked on her steamed cauliflower! Ha, Ha, Ha I wailed you should chew before you swallow BITCH! Ol' Henry got so scared he took a huge shit in his Bermuda shorts right at the dinner table! Got enough fiber in your diet Henry! I screamed. Then it got really sick. That fucking little mutt Excelsior started licking it off his leg!!! Some show dog. I wish the judges could have seen that. Enough was enough these three had pissed me off long enough. I then went over to poo, poo pants Henry and gutted him like a 500lb hog. That sure did help the shitting but the blood started really going at that point. Blood and shit what a fuckin' mess! Ol Mildred got the cauliflower treatment. Luckily she had a few more heads of that shit that I boiled up and I made her eat every last one. Chew it Mildred chew it. I originally planned on giving her the old slice and dice but she was ended up dying from the excessive flatulence. I didn't know that it was possible but ya learn something new everyday. Now with them outta the way it was time for himself, the prize winning Bison Frise...Excelsior. The whole time I was doing my thing with his owners he was just looking at me like I was crazy or something...I’m crazy no your crazy I shouted. After the shouting match ended I decided to give him his final meal...his owners! It took a few days for him to eat them all. He seemed to have alot of trouble with that chewy old skin but on the other hand he really seemed to love the bones. The funny part was that little prick was so well trained he didn't shit in the house once the whole time. No longer a prize winning dog he was a prize winning watermelon! So his fate was now decided. I loaded him up in Mildred and Henrys old Ford LTD, drove downtown, accessed the roof access of the city’s tallest building and let her (him) rip. SPLAT!!! Mildred, Ol' Henry and that little ankle biter Excelsior were now the latest modern art installment on the sidewalks of 5th St.

Sorry about the long read but having all that blood, shit and cauliflower caked on me for nearly 4 days my hands seem really cracked and dry. What kind of lotion would you recommend to get the moisture back into them?

Dry Mitts in the AZ

Dear Dry Mitts,

Nothing sucks worse than a lover who has dry, scaly hands! Now, this may seem like an unconventional suggestion, but hear me out. I discovered this wonderful product called BOY BUTTER.

Normally it's used to grease up your lovers crapper for easy access, but it works wonders on dry skin! I noticed that the first time I used it on this one guy’s pucker hole that it made my hands silky soft (and it felt great on my cock too!).....Seriously, you MUST try this! You'll be back to killing in no time! Happy Slicing!